FALL

Tomorrow it is October....my least favorite month. It finally occurred to me this morning why I have been talking to Jeremy a lot more lately. It is anniversary time. Leaves are turning as they were three years ago....the nip in the air is there....and it all serves as reminders to how long my baby has been gone.
I think this hits me so hard because when he became ill is when I started mourning the loss of my son. I didn't have to mourn as much after he died because, to me, he was gone in October, not April. The son that I had known for twenty years was no longer there. The smart-aleck, sarcastic, funny, quick witted, stubborn young man I had raised was no longer there. He had been replaced by a young man fighting for his life and struggling to do everyday things. Even talking was a chore for him.
We celebrated little victories over the next few months....taking 5 steps, then ten, then twenty (with a walker)...taking a shower on his own (with a seat in the tub), using the bathroom without calling for help (the bathroom door is not wide enough to accommodate a wheelchair). These victories were relished! They were also excuses to get out and make time for as much fun as he could deal with at the time.
His dad would take him for rides on the motorcycle (scared me to death when I found out) and go to the park, or to get a latte. I am so glad they had that time together.
I just want to say that none of the "celebrations" would have been possible without the help of the Ryan White Foundation in Las Vegas. They made sure that Jeremy's dad knew where to go to get any help that they could not provide (like a narrower wheelchair to get in the bathroom). They also provided him with vouchers for some medical needs that are not covered by insurance and get very expensive, like things to make the house a little more accessible, safety rails for the tub, Depends...they even gave them gift cards to Starbucks so they could have a "get out moment" together. Those things meant a lot to Jeremy's dad, Jeremy, and to me.
Thank you to everyone who works or volunteer at the Ryan White Foundation in Las Vegas for making my son's last few months a little easier and more enjoyable.

23 today

Today is Mother's Day. It is also Jeremy's 23rd birthday. We went out this morning and got him one "Happy Birthday" balloon and 4 green star balloons. We let them go at the baseball field at the college and then sat in the grass and watched them till they floated into the sun. Jeremy snatched them to Heaven at that point...we never saw them again.
I cried. Jamey was supportive. I cried some more. It makes me feel good to cry about my sadness over losing Jeremy. That way I know that I am not pushing thoughts away or burying them so deep that I can't get them back again. I miss Jeremy very much, but I don't let those feelings rule my life. Sometimes I worry that I am not sad enough, that I don't cry enough, or dwell on his death enough. Then it occurs to me...that is what people do that cannot let go. I can let Jeremy go; I know he is Heaven and he is happier and healthier than he was here. I know that I will see him again.
It is hard though, hearing people talk about what they are doing with their kids on Mother's Day. My neighbor announced that her son (25) is taking her on a date to the movies. I just thought to myself, "Relish it, I'd give my eye teeth to sit in a movie theater with my son." I didn't say it though.
Happy Birthday Buddy...I love you!

Lost

As my career in academia comes close to an end, I am beginning to question my inner strength. I have held myself together through many things in the past couple of years...a major relocation, death of my son, loss of a job, and returning to college after a 27 year hiatus. I have not, through any of that, felt as overwhelmed as I do in this, my final quarter of school.
I am, for the first time since returning, being very challenged in school. I am in higher level computer application classes along with a higher level (and quite boring) accounting class. These things, combined with two part-time jobs, are starting to wear on my confidence a bit. I feel like my brain is fried most days after classes. I come home and intend to study, but just can't bring myself to do it. I have set the bar very high for myself throughout school. My CGPA is 4.0 and I am very hard on myself if I feel that is in jeopardy. This quarter it is VERY in jeopardy! I just don't feel like any of it is soaking in. The day after we cover something in class I have lost it. I have no idea how to write a formula for Excel, I have no idea how to compute the proper payroll tax for anyone, I have no idea what accounts are affected by a transaction that is taking place....LOST! This is the first time I can say "I feel like I am being left behind."
Am I the only one feeling this way? No. Others are expressing the same "lost" feeling.
I know I will make it through the quarter. I know I will pass and get my certificate. Will I have a 4.0 when I am done? Who knows. Does it really matter in the scheme of things? Only to me.