Well, it finally happened. I had the "breakdown day" I have felt coming for some time.
Everything I saw or heard or thought of sent my thoughts to how much I miss Jeremy. It is not only his death that I thought about though. It was how long it has been since I celebrated Christmas with my family.
I had Christmas with Jeremy last in 2006. Haven't had Christmas with my mom or brother since about 1997, and my dad since 1993? I always believed children should be at home on Christmas morning. Now that I don't have that "restriction," the weather plays a key factor in my winter travels, making it hard to plan anything in the PNW.
I would give anything to be with my family at Christmas. It just can't be done.......not this year at least. Jamey is working today and everyone has their plans set. Maybe next year.....
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Almost Christmas
There are two more days until Christmas.......
Have you ever noticed how a song can take you back to a special moment when you heard it? Not the FIRST time you heard it, but a significant moment it was playing in the background?
Maybe it is just me, but songs always take me to a time in my past.
I have, because of this, grown to almost hate the song "Where are you Christmas?" by Faith Hill. I hear it about three times a week. Driving in the car, it comes on, I sing along, and I am crying by the middle of the song. That is the song that was playing the last time I saw my son alive. I had met him and his father at a truck stop and was showing them the way to the motel they would stay at that night on their way to Vegas (where his father lives.) As my ex husband helped Jeremy out of the car, I realized, for the first time, that my baby was an AIDS patient. He was gaunt, weak, quiet, and helpless. He needed help out of the car, needed help to the bathroom, needed help in the bathroom......I fought the tears at that moment. I held it together for Jeremy. As we got back into our cars, the song came on.....
I was listening to the words for the first time....."Where are you Christmas, why can't I find you?"......"My world is changing, I'm rearranging" I couldn't find Christmas that year (still having a bit of a hard time finding it, but getting better), and our worlds were DEFINITELY rearranging! Our worlds would never be the same after that winter......
I caught a glimpse that night of what my son's future was to hold.....needing assistance to do everyday things......being tired and weak a lot of the time......getting sick oh so easily......the reality of his disease had hit me.......and it hits me again, every time I hear that song.
Why don't I just turn it off? Because I can't. I need to force myself to come to terms with those feelings, those emotions that torment me every day, the ones I rarely let surface.
I will listen to that song for many years to come. I will sing along. I will cry. I will talk to Jeremy after hearing it, telling him how much I love and miss him.
I will go today and let some Christmas balloons go for him. He will get them and they will make him smile.......
I miss you Buddy........LOVE YOU
Have you ever noticed how a song can take you back to a special moment when you heard it? Not the FIRST time you heard it, but a significant moment it was playing in the background?
Maybe it is just me, but songs always take me to a time in my past.
I have, because of this, grown to almost hate the song "Where are you Christmas?" by Faith Hill. I hear it about three times a week. Driving in the car, it comes on, I sing along, and I am crying by the middle of the song. That is the song that was playing the last time I saw my son alive. I had met him and his father at a truck stop and was showing them the way to the motel they would stay at that night on their way to Vegas (where his father lives.) As my ex husband helped Jeremy out of the car, I realized, for the first time, that my baby was an AIDS patient. He was gaunt, weak, quiet, and helpless. He needed help out of the car, needed help to the bathroom, needed help in the bathroom......I fought the tears at that moment. I held it together for Jeremy. As we got back into our cars, the song came on.....
I was listening to the words for the first time....."Where are you Christmas, why can't I find you?"......"My world is changing, I'm rearranging" I couldn't find Christmas that year (still having a bit of a hard time finding it, but getting better), and our worlds were DEFINITELY rearranging! Our worlds would never be the same after that winter......
I caught a glimpse that night of what my son's future was to hold.....needing assistance to do everyday things......being tired and weak a lot of the time......getting sick oh so easily......the reality of his disease had hit me.......and it hits me again, every time I hear that song.
Why don't I just turn it off? Because I can't. I need to force myself to come to terms with those feelings, those emotions that torment me every day, the ones I rarely let surface.
I will listen to that song for many years to come. I will sing along. I will cry. I will talk to Jeremy after hearing it, telling him how much I love and miss him.
I will go today and let some Christmas balloons go for him. He will get them and they will make him smile.......
I miss you Buddy........LOVE YOU
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