FALL

Tomorrow it is October....my least favorite month. It finally occurred to me this morning why I have been talking to Jeremy a lot more lately. It is anniversary time. Leaves are turning as they were three years ago....the nip in the air is there....and it all serves as reminders to how long my baby has been gone.
I think this hits me so hard because when he became ill is when I started mourning the loss of my son. I didn't have to mourn as much after he died because, to me, he was gone in October, not April. The son that I had known for twenty years was no longer there. The smart-aleck, sarcastic, funny, quick witted, stubborn young man I had raised was no longer there. He had been replaced by a young man fighting for his life and struggling to do everyday things. Even talking was a chore for him.
We celebrated little victories over the next few months....taking 5 steps, then ten, then twenty (with a walker)...taking a shower on his own (with a seat in the tub), using the bathroom without calling for help (the bathroom door is not wide enough to accommodate a wheelchair). These victories were relished! They were also excuses to get out and make time for as much fun as he could deal with at the time.
His dad would take him for rides on the motorcycle (scared me to death when I found out) and go to the park, or to get a latte. I am so glad they had that time together.
I just want to say that none of the "celebrations" would have been possible without the help of the Ryan White Foundation in Las Vegas. They made sure that Jeremy's dad knew where to go to get any help that they could not provide (like a narrower wheelchair to get in the bathroom). They also provided him with vouchers for some medical needs that are not covered by insurance and get very expensive, like things to make the house a little more accessible, safety rails for the tub, Depends...they even gave them gift cards to Starbucks so they could have a "get out moment" together. Those things meant a lot to Jeremy's dad, Jeremy, and to me.
Thank you to everyone who works or volunteer at the Ryan White Foundation in Las Vegas for making my son's last few months a little easier and more enjoyable.