Well, it finally happened. I had the "breakdown day" I have felt coming for some time.
Everything I saw or heard or thought of sent my thoughts to how much I miss Jeremy. It is not only his death that I thought about though. It was how long it has been since I celebrated Christmas with my family.
I had Christmas with Jeremy last in 2006. Haven't had Christmas with my mom or brother since about 1997, and my dad since 1993? I always believed children should be at home on Christmas morning. Now that I don't have that "restriction," the weather plays a key factor in my winter travels, making it hard to plan anything in the PNW.
I would give anything to be with my family at Christmas. It just can't be done.......not this year at least. Jamey is working today and everyone has their plans set. Maybe next year.....
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Almost Christmas
There are two more days until Christmas.......
Have you ever noticed how a song can take you back to a special moment when you heard it? Not the FIRST time you heard it, but a significant moment it was playing in the background?
Maybe it is just me, but songs always take me to a time in my past.
I have, because of this, grown to almost hate the song "Where are you Christmas?" by Faith Hill. I hear it about three times a week. Driving in the car, it comes on, I sing along, and I am crying by the middle of the song. That is the song that was playing the last time I saw my son alive. I had met him and his father at a truck stop and was showing them the way to the motel they would stay at that night on their way to Vegas (where his father lives.) As my ex husband helped Jeremy out of the car, I realized, for the first time, that my baby was an AIDS patient. He was gaunt, weak, quiet, and helpless. He needed help out of the car, needed help to the bathroom, needed help in the bathroom......I fought the tears at that moment. I held it together for Jeremy. As we got back into our cars, the song came on.....
I was listening to the words for the first time....."Where are you Christmas, why can't I find you?"......"My world is changing, I'm rearranging" I couldn't find Christmas that year (still having a bit of a hard time finding it, but getting better), and our worlds were DEFINITELY rearranging! Our worlds would never be the same after that winter......
I caught a glimpse that night of what my son's future was to hold.....needing assistance to do everyday things......being tired and weak a lot of the time......getting sick oh so easily......the reality of his disease had hit me.......and it hits me again, every time I hear that song.
Why don't I just turn it off? Because I can't. I need to force myself to come to terms with those feelings, those emotions that torment me every day, the ones I rarely let surface.
I will listen to that song for many years to come. I will sing along. I will cry. I will talk to Jeremy after hearing it, telling him how much I love and miss him.
I will go today and let some Christmas balloons go for him. He will get them and they will make him smile.......
I miss you Buddy........LOVE YOU
Have you ever noticed how a song can take you back to a special moment when you heard it? Not the FIRST time you heard it, but a significant moment it was playing in the background?
Maybe it is just me, but songs always take me to a time in my past.
I have, because of this, grown to almost hate the song "Where are you Christmas?" by Faith Hill. I hear it about three times a week. Driving in the car, it comes on, I sing along, and I am crying by the middle of the song. That is the song that was playing the last time I saw my son alive. I had met him and his father at a truck stop and was showing them the way to the motel they would stay at that night on their way to Vegas (where his father lives.) As my ex husband helped Jeremy out of the car, I realized, for the first time, that my baby was an AIDS patient. He was gaunt, weak, quiet, and helpless. He needed help out of the car, needed help to the bathroom, needed help in the bathroom......I fought the tears at that moment. I held it together for Jeremy. As we got back into our cars, the song came on.....
I was listening to the words for the first time....."Where are you Christmas, why can't I find you?"......"My world is changing, I'm rearranging" I couldn't find Christmas that year (still having a bit of a hard time finding it, but getting better), and our worlds were DEFINITELY rearranging! Our worlds would never be the same after that winter......
I caught a glimpse that night of what my son's future was to hold.....needing assistance to do everyday things......being tired and weak a lot of the time......getting sick oh so easily......the reality of his disease had hit me.......and it hits me again, every time I hear that song.
Why don't I just turn it off? Because I can't. I need to force myself to come to terms with those feelings, those emotions that torment me every day, the ones I rarely let surface.
I will listen to that song for many years to come. I will sing along. I will cry. I will talk to Jeremy after hearing it, telling him how much I love and miss him.
I will go today and let some Christmas balloons go for him. He will get them and they will make him smile.......
I miss you Buddy........LOVE YOU
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Reinforce
It is that time again......winter is hitting. Reminders are everywhere about what we went through two years ago with my son.
Last week, my cousin's partner passed away of AIDS. My cousin watched him go through much what my son did, but in different forms. I know how hard that was for him. It hurts to watch someone you love go through so much pain.
I also, last week, was invited to speak at the local World AIDS Day event. I will be reading a poem that I wrote while my son was ill. I am ecstatic! I so want to share his story; let people know how this horrible disease affects families, as well as the patient. AIDS affected my family in ways that the average person doesn't think about. I feel a need to share this and share what he went through. Speaking at Waorld AIDS Day will give me a start to my voice......
Last week, my cousin's partner passed away of AIDS. My cousin watched him go through much what my son did, but in different forms. I know how hard that was for him. It hurts to watch someone you love go through so much pain.
I also, last week, was invited to speak at the local World AIDS Day event. I will be reading a poem that I wrote while my son was ill. I am ecstatic! I so want to share his story; let people know how this horrible disease affects families, as well as the patient. AIDS affected my family in ways that the average person doesn't think about. I feel a need to share this and share what he went through. Speaking at Waorld AIDS Day will give me a start to my voice......
Sunday, October 11, 2009
ohhhh, the symolism
Camping season, 2009, has drawn to a close. It makes me sad. We got home this morning from what turned out to be the last trip of the year. When we arrived at the park, it was apparent that others had already ended their season. Ours was one of three campsites in the entire park that was occupied. At first it was wnderful! The dog could roam free, we had no one adjacent to us....almost like we were the only ones there. This morning the reality set in.
We know that this park closes, usually at the end of October. The manager had told us that the pipes freezing was used as the gauge. Frozen pipes mean that it is time to blow them out and close the gates for the winter. We woke up this morning to frozen pipes. We would be the last compers of the year.
We tried to milk it. We kept adding wood to our fire, going for walks, anything but gearing up to leave. As our wood ran out, I grew melancholy. The fire was symbolic of our camping season. Flames were out and we were trying to keep them going just a little longer. We sat watching the coals burn out while off in the distance we could hear a tractor picking up picnic tables. They have to be refinished every winter. We watched the burning coals while our tables went away to the shop.
Finally after about an hour, we had to call an end to it all and dowse the burning embers with water, dowsing our monthly getaway in the process. With the coals go our trips to the river, our hot dogs roasted with sticks, our long walks looking for deer, our s'mores, and any chance of seeing the elusive bear.....at least for this year. All will wait until next spring. All we have to get us through the winter is the memory of our camping trips. Finding out that Cooper only like marshmallows that are toasted, eating a little less dinner so we have room later for s'mores, heading to the field early in the morning to see the herd of deer, and waiting patiently and quietly while Jamey tries (and succeeds at) feeding deer from his hand. these memories will all come to life again next spring. But for now, I am left with the memory of that fire burning out my campiing trips.....oh the symolism.
We know that this park closes, usually at the end of October. The manager had told us that the pipes freezing was used as the gauge. Frozen pipes mean that it is time to blow them out and close the gates for the winter. We woke up this morning to frozen pipes. We would be the last compers of the year.
We tried to milk it. We kept adding wood to our fire, going for walks, anything but gearing up to leave. As our wood ran out, I grew melancholy. The fire was symbolic of our camping season. Flames were out and we were trying to keep them going just a little longer. We sat watching the coals burn out while off in the distance we could hear a tractor picking up picnic tables. They have to be refinished every winter. We watched the burning coals while our tables went away to the shop.
Finally after about an hour, we had to call an end to it all and dowse the burning embers with water, dowsing our monthly getaway in the process. With the coals go our trips to the river, our hot dogs roasted with sticks, our long walks looking for deer, our s'mores, and any chance of seeing the elusive bear.....at least for this year. All will wait until next spring. All we have to get us through the winter is the memory of our camping trips. Finding out that Cooper only like marshmallows that are toasted, eating a little less dinner so we have room later for s'mores, heading to the field early in the morning to see the herd of deer, and waiting patiently and quietly while Jamey tries (and succeeds at) feeding deer from his hand. these memories will all come to life again next spring. But for now, I am left with the memory of that fire burning out my campiing trips.....oh the symolism.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
That Time Again
It's that time again. Fall.....the turning of the leaves comes thoughts of the past. It was about this time two years ago when I found out my son was ill. He had his last day in school in mid October. Then he was admitted to the hospital and I was keeping the Interstate hot. I was traveling 400 miles eve
ry weekend, never knowing for sure how long I would be away from home. Usually I was away for a long weekend....3-5 days. Then it became apparent why we were staying in an extended stay hotel. We were living in a hotel for 3 weeks. Nights in the hotels, days in the ICU waiting room or in my son's ICU "pod". I would sit there watching him, hoping he might move....a twitch, an eyelid flutter, I watched for anything. He did eventually wake.
ry weekend, never knowing for sure how long I would be away from home. Usually I was away for a long weekend....3-5 days. Then it became apparent why we were staying in an extended stay hotel. We were living in a hotel for 3 weeks. Nights in the hotels, days in the ICU waiting room or in my son's ICU "pod". I would sit there watching him, hoping he might move....a twitch, an eyelid flutter, I watched for anything. He did eventually wake.When he woke, he was in Hell. He had lost a leg to MRSA and he didn't even know it. AIDS wasn't bad enough, now this. Poor kid. It took him a few days to realize the leg was gone. I guess the meds were keeping him from noticing he no longer had his right leg. When he finally realized, the poor nurse took the brunt of it. He still wasn't coherent. I think he thought she did it. He started biting her and trying to hit her. I felt so bad for her and for him. He didn't know. He was so incapacitated from the meds and all the surgeries.....he just didn't know. After 13 surgeries in 20 days, he was no longer the young man I had seen 4 months earlier. He was no longer able to speak above a whisper. The ventilator had scarred his vocal cords horribly. He didn't have the energy to exchange banter with me, as was our way of communicating with each other. He didn't have his sense of humor, although he did try. He tried for me. It took all he had to talk to me or ask a question.
My son was a demanding patient for the hospital staff. He had questions, he didn't understand what was happening or when, and frankly, he was bored out of his mind after 2 months in the hospital. He was just trying to understand and put the pieces together.
He was finally released just before Christmas. He went to stay with his Dad where he could get treatment without living in a nursing home. He was literally half the man he had been only 4 months before. He had gone from 220 lbs. to 114 lbs. upon release from the hospital. That was the last time I saw my son alive.
There is a piece of me that wishes I had not seen him...a sallow shell of his former self. He was gaunt, weak, and didn't even look like anyone I knew. My baby was an AIDS patient and seeing him brought that home to me. I cried in the car on the way to his hotel. I had to pull it together before I saw him again at the hotel. I couldn't let him see me cry. I managed to pull it together long enough to go in to register them. While we were doing that, he was getting sick in the parking lot.
I hate that disease. I hate what it did to my baby. He was on his way to his dream. Going to school to achieve a goal. He wanted to own a small neighborhood bakery and watch it grow. He was in the pastry program at Le Cordon Bleu. For the first time in his young life he was loving school. That got ripped from him. He never got a chance to do a lot of things. ..drive, own a home, go to Disneyland, play a slot machine, be in love, or have a family. I hate that disease.
I hate this time of year.
Monday, September 21, 2009
reconnection summer
My sunner ended today. As I look back on the five weeks I had to myself, I can safely say that it was a lovely combination of boredom and reconnection. I was either on the road or on my rear most of my summer.
I spent many weekends camping. Connecting with fresh air, Jamey, and myself. The evenings spent in the tent, looking out at the stars, just talking with Jamey in hushed tones are some that I value. We don't do that enough......just take the time to watch satellites and talk.
I spent many other weekends off on short jaunts to visit people I had not seen in years. i saw my "adoptive" family, although for unfortunate reasons. It was great to see them and the closure was well worth the hours of driving. Sitting on the deck of the cabin in South Central Oregon, watching chipmunks get brave and crawl on my feet, talking with people I hadn't seen in 20 years, and spreading the ashes of one of my dearest friends. Sadness, fun, humor, closeness, relief, closure.....all in one weekend. Goodbye my friend.
Then, there was the long weekend in Eugene. Reconnecting with friends from high school......whom I had not seen in (get this) 27 years! There should have been some apprehension but there was none. Would we get along with each other after all this time? HELL YEAH! Would we find anything to talk about? OF COURSE! Would we have anything in common? 4 YEARS OF HIGH SCHOOL! It was fabulous! We laughed so hard our jaws ached. We went through yearbooks, made fun of the entries, the snobs, and the teachers. Our lives have not been the same, but some moments very simillar. I lost my son.....a friend lost her daughter. I have had a couple rough marriages.....2 of my friends also divorced. We still have things in common......and we showed that we are still very much friends after those 27 years. I will go back sooner than another 27 years.
Last weekend was the end of my travel time. Off to Central Oregon for my father's 70th birthday party. Another time to reconnect. I haven't seen stepsisters in 13-17 years (there was some debate on when we were last together). Saw my brother for the first time since my son passed away. My father is 70.....I can't comprehend that yet. He doesn't LOOK 70. Doesn't ACT 70. Why is 70 scary to me? We had a great visit. My brother took us to a cave (tried to kill me) and we hiked in a mile and back out. We made fun of my father's lack of a sense of direction ("We've been on this road three times.....God damn it"), we enjoyed fish tacos and tons of other great food, we all enjoyed each other........for the first time in a long time.
I value my time this summer. The time I was driving and talking to Jeremy. The time I spent with family and old friends. the time I sat on my butt and appreciated the other time even more.
There may be one more camping trip this season. One more time to watch stars and talk. I love that. Not sure yet if it will be just us or if it will be a larger crew. Doesn't matter, either way it will be good. A time to appreciate each other, relaxation time, down time, reconnect time.
Summer should be about reconnecting.......mine was.
I spent many weekends camping. Connecting with fresh air, Jamey, and myself. The evenings spent in the tent, looking out at the stars, just talking with Jamey in hushed tones are some that I value. We don't do that enough......just take the time to watch satellites and talk.
I spent many other weekends off on short jaunts to visit people I had not seen in years. i saw my "adoptive" family, although for unfortunate reasons. It was great to see them and the closure was well worth the hours of driving. Sitting on the deck of the cabin in South Central Oregon, watching chipmunks get brave and crawl on my feet, talking with people I hadn't seen in 20 years, and spreading the ashes of one of my dearest friends. Sadness, fun, humor, closeness, relief, closure.....all in one weekend. Goodbye my friend.
Then, there was the long weekend in Eugene. Reconnecting with friends from high school......whom I had not seen in (get this) 27 years! There should have been some apprehension but there was none. Would we get along with each other after all this time? HELL YEAH! Would we find anything to talk about? OF COURSE! Would we have anything in common? 4 YEARS OF HIGH SCHOOL! It was fabulous! We laughed so hard our jaws ached. We went through yearbooks, made fun of the entries, the snobs, and the teachers. Our lives have not been the same, but some moments very simillar. I lost my son.....a friend lost her daughter. I have had a couple rough marriages.....2 of my friends also divorced. We still have things in common......and we showed that we are still very much friends after those 27 years. I will go back sooner than another 27 years.
Last weekend was the end of my travel time. Off to Central Oregon for my father's 70th birthday party. Another time to reconnect. I haven't seen stepsisters in 13-17 years (there was some debate on when we were last together). Saw my brother for the first time since my son passed away. My father is 70.....I can't comprehend that yet. He doesn't LOOK 70. Doesn't ACT 70. Why is 70 scary to me? We had a great visit. My brother took us to a cave (tried to kill me) and we hiked in a mile and back out. We made fun of my father's lack of a sense of direction ("We've been on this road three times.....God damn it"), we enjoyed fish tacos and tons of other great food, we all enjoyed each other........for the first time in a long time.
I value my time this summer. The time I was driving and talking to Jeremy. The time I spent with family and old friends. the time I sat on my butt and appreciated the other time even more.
There may be one more camping trip this season. One more time to watch stars and talk. I love that. Not sure yet if it will be just us or if it will be a larger crew. Doesn't matter, either way it will be good. A time to appreciate each other, relaxation time, down time, reconnect time.
Summer should be about reconnecting.......mine was.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Shocking e-mail
Imagine my surprise as I read my e-mail this morning. There was one from Myspace that had a subject line of "Lonely Laughter has responded to your status"
Now, Lonely Laughter is my son's username on Myspace, so, for there to be a message from him would be pretty amazing. I went to my Myspace to check it out. there was, indeed, a message from Lonely Laughter. I looked at his profile......it was all different. Hey There Delilah was not playing, things were in different places. Most things were there, just in differrent places. HE HAD BEEN HACKED! I looked at the message. It was telling me how to make money, what web site to go to. OMG! I was livid (still am). Someone got into MY BABY'S profile and changed it. I still can't believe it. I can't even go into his profile anymore.....it isn't how he left it. It isn't Jeremy's anymore. It is how some inconsiderate hacker thinks it should look. I always found going to his profile kind of comforting.....sad, but comforting. No more.
I have contacted Myspace to ask them to delete his profile, explaining the situation. My concern is this: If they were able to hack into his mysapce, what other info did they get? I don't remember what all I had to give to get my myspace account. What kind of info did Jeremy give on there? Is someone using his SS#? Do they have other info they could be using?
i have not heard back from Myspace (except the auto reply to let me know they got the e-mail and would look into my issue). I am hoping to hear soon.
I just can't believe that someone would do that. I know it happens every day, but ...........
Monday, June 1, 2009
Endings=Beginnings
It's the last week of school. I have had a blast this quarter! I love my classes and the new friends that came with them. So, what happens now? The quarter is almost over........
Will my friends be in my classes next quarter? Doubtful. It is Summer quarter and not much being offered. The chances of them needing the same classes that I can get are slim. What about Fall quarter? Will they be there? I hope so. Will there be a whole new batch of friends? I hope not. I like these people. Most are in the same boat as I am. They are middle aged women trying to improve their lives. For whatever reason they have found their path leading to education. None of us really has a clue what we are doing or why.....we are just trying to help each other muddle through the best we can.
What happens if I can't get the classes I need in the fall? What if funding doesn't come through? What if I don't do as well next quarter as I did this time? What if I hate my classes?
Too many questions to worry about one week before finals. I have to get through this quarter first....THEN I will start to worry about next quarter. All my classes will be online or self-paced anyway, so it is really up to me how I do, isn't it?
I guess I just have to look at the ending of Spring Quarater '09 as the beginning of Summer Quarter '09 and press on. There may be new friends, but I will keep the old ones. If I hate my classes, I will survive. It is only one quarter.
I don't know what this new quarter will bring........it will be a new adventure; just like this quarter was 10 weeks ago. Who would have thought that I would be pulling a 4.0 GPA? Not me! I hope it stays that way through finals. All I can do is my best to keep it that way. That means I need to go do homework and study......
Will my friends be in my classes next quarter? Doubtful. It is Summer quarter and not much being offered. The chances of them needing the same classes that I can get are slim. What about Fall quarter? Will they be there? I hope so. Will there be a whole new batch of friends? I hope not. I like these people. Most are in the same boat as I am. They are middle aged women trying to improve their lives. For whatever reason they have found their path leading to education. None of us really has a clue what we are doing or why.....we are just trying to help each other muddle through the best we can.
What happens if I can't get the classes I need in the fall? What if funding doesn't come through? What if I don't do as well next quarter as I did this time? What if I hate my classes?
Too many questions to worry about one week before finals. I have to get through this quarter first....THEN I will start to worry about next quarter. All my classes will be online or self-paced anyway, so it is really up to me how I do, isn't it?
I guess I just have to look at the ending of Spring Quarater '09 as the beginning of Summer Quarter '09 and press on. There may be new friends, but I will keep the old ones. If I hate my classes, I will survive. It is only one quarter.
I don't know what this new quarter will bring........it will be a new adventure; just like this quarter was 10 weeks ago. Who would have thought that I would be pulling a 4.0 GPA? Not me! I hope it stays that way through finals. All I can do is my best to keep it that way. That means I need to go do homework and study......
Friday, May 8, 2009
I hate calendars. I used to love them......pretty pictures taken by the best photographers, keepsakes of our past, reminders of the year's events. Now I hate them....pretty pictures, keepsakes of my past, reminders of events past. Little squares with numbers, telling what days to be sad and reflective. Maybe I don't WANT to remember what tomorrow is. Maybe I don't want to know that Mother's Day is, as in 1987, the day after my son's birthday. Maybe I am tired of getting depressed about a box on the calendar! I'm tired of crying at night, tired of songs that remind me of someone I will never, in this life, see again, tired of feeling so out of control, tired of being told how strong I am. I don't feel strong. I feel like I should be............I don't know. I don't feel like I am doing well with the calendar end of all this. I do really well day to day, but then I look at that damned calendar! It torments me. It keeps telling me things I already know, but maybe, just maybe, I would like to be able to put in the back of my mind. It won't let me........I hate calendars.
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