Thursday, December 22, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Home
It's caling me. The quiet morning like none I have experienced in some time.
As I stroll out to take in my surroundings, I hear a bird in the distance...then quiet. A quiet that is broken only occassionally by the sound of a jumping trout or a distant log truck. AHHHH...home.
On this quiet morning, the air is thick. So thick that I can see the air skimming the water before me. The ghosts of my past moving before my eyes. For this is the town of my early childhood. Here are the many things among my earliest memories. The first house I recall living in, the ice cream store we visited as teens, the A & W my gramma used to go to to get us root beer.
Not far is the spot where my son was put to rest. His ashes spread among the waves to be carried to sea. he is always with me here...I can feel him with me. Always, but moreso when I am at the ocean he now calls home. He makes this visit bittersweet. His memory lingers here, even though we shared few together here. he loved it nontheless. Where he always wanted to go for a getaway, and where he wanted to rest for eternity. I will join him someday in his eternity, for he got his love of the Pacific Ocean from his mother.
Although my thoughts here are filled with Jeremy, they are also of friends, family, and dreams. Someday, I will live in a costal town; living these memories daily. That is a dream I have had since I left this area.....to return. Return to the area that is the only place I am now at home. If I can smell the Pacific, hear it roar, look out and see rhododendrons growing wild, feel the thick morning air hit my face, then I am home....at least for now.
As I stroll out to take in my surroundings, I hear a bird in the distance...then quiet. A quiet that is broken only occassionally by the sound of a jumping trout or a distant log truck. AHHHH...home.
On this quiet morning, the air is thick. So thick that I can see the air skimming the water before me. The ghosts of my past moving before my eyes. For this is the town of my early childhood. Here are the many things among my earliest memories. The first house I recall living in, the ice cream store we visited as teens, the A & W my gramma used to go to to get us root beer.
Not far is the spot where my son was put to rest. His ashes spread among the waves to be carried to sea. he is always with me here...I can feel him with me. Always, but moreso when I am at the ocean he now calls home. He makes this visit bittersweet. His memory lingers here, even though we shared few together here. he loved it nontheless. Where he always wanted to go for a getaway, and where he wanted to rest for eternity. I will join him someday in his eternity, for he got his love of the Pacific Ocean from his mother.
Although my thoughts here are filled with Jeremy, they are also of friends, family, and dreams. Someday, I will live in a costal town; living these memories daily. That is a dream I have had since I left this area.....to return. Return to the area that is the only place I am now at home. If I can smell the Pacific, hear it roar, look out and see rhododendrons growing wild, feel the thick morning air hit my face, then I am home....at least for now.
Friday, April 15, 2011
SOMETHING NEW
I am trying something new. I have been doing it for about a month and think it will improve my health, along with my wallet.
I heard about e-cigarettes and did some research. Going to recommended sites and learning the "lingo" (it is a whole new language, trust me) I learned a lot. After my research I decided on an e-cig that looked about like an analog (regular ol' smoke) but it came in pretty colors! My smokes would mean I was accessorized! I didn't have the $$ to get the one of choice right away,but didn't want to wait. I made a trip to my local 7-11 (by local I mean a 24 mile round trip) and purchased an inexpensive version. Good for trial to see if I really wanted to spend the dough for a "real" one. I wasn't overly impressed with the starter version, but it was enough to let me know that I wanted to do this...I COULD do this!
As soon as my funds were in order I was on the vapor4life.com website placing my first order. I got it a week later and it has literally changed my life. I am now almost a non-smoker. I have usually two analogs a day. One when I first wake up and another when I get home from work. I love these e-cigs! I got two pretty dark purple ones and a green one to use at my computer (it plugs right in to my USB port!)
Now for the flavors. I want to try as many flavors as I can and get (ready for this?) e juice to refill, as it is cheaper than purchasing (here ya go) cartomizers (the part that gives flavor and vapor...looks like a cig filter). I told you it is a whole new language! I ordered a variety of flavor carts and then it was time.....
the second order. Order juice of the flavor Jamey liked the most, new carts, another battery for Jamey (he needed a back-up), and drip tips. I didn't even know what drip tips were for, but they were cheap and came in pretty colors (more accessorizing! YEA!) I ordered teal and red and they threw in an extra teal one for me....awesome. They help aid in the refill process for vaping through a "drip method" (more new language)...ie:cleaner refills.
I don't see this new thing going away any time soon. I like it. What is the best thing about vaping instead of smoking? $$$$$$$ no more spending over $150 a month on smokes. Second best? I CAN DO IT IN PUBLIC PLACES LIKE RESTAURANTS! There is no odor and no harmful chemicals to emit into other people's air space so no one is bitching at me about it...no gov't regulators telling me where I can and can't do it (although the powers that be have banned it from my workplace, but WTH ever).
If you have tried to quit, want to quit or cut down, I highly (did you hear that? HIGHLY ) recommend you give e-cigs a try. You get your nicotine.....no tar, no carbon monoxide.....just the nicotine that your body is craving. Varying levels of nicotine so you can reduce the level of intake GRADUALLY while still getting the oral fixation you need (that covers the habit part). I love these.....hope to be analog free within a couple weeks....wish me luck!
I heard about e-cigarettes and did some research. Going to recommended sites and learning the "lingo" (it is a whole new language, trust me) I learned a lot. After my research I decided on an e-cig that looked about like an analog (regular ol' smoke) but it came in pretty colors! My smokes would mean I was accessorized! I didn't have the $$ to get the one of choice right away,but didn't want to wait. I made a trip to my local 7-11 (by local I mean a 24 mile round trip) and purchased an inexpensive version. Good for trial to see if I really wanted to spend the dough for a "real" one. I wasn't overly impressed with the starter version, but it was enough to let me know that I wanted to do this...I COULD do this!
As soon as my funds were in order I was on the vapor4life.com website placing my first order. I got it a week later and it has literally changed my life. I am now almost a non-smoker. I have usually two analogs a day. One when I first wake up and another when I get home from work. I love these e-cigs! I got two pretty dark purple ones and a green one to use at my computer (it plugs right in to my USB port!)
Now for the flavors. I want to try as many flavors as I can and get (ready for this?) e juice to refill, as it is cheaper than purchasing (here ya go) cartomizers (the part that gives flavor and vapor...looks like a cig filter). I told you it is a whole new language! I ordered a variety of flavor carts and then it was time.....
the second order. Order juice of the flavor Jamey liked the most, new carts, another battery for Jamey (he needed a back-up), and drip tips. I didn't even know what drip tips were for, but they were cheap and came in pretty colors (more accessorizing! YEA!) I ordered teal and red and they threw in an extra teal one for me....awesome. They help aid in the refill process for vaping through a "drip method" (more new language)...ie:cleaner refills.
I don't see this new thing going away any time soon. I like it. What is the best thing about vaping instead of smoking? $$$$$$$ no more spending over $150 a month on smokes. Second best? I CAN DO IT IN PUBLIC PLACES LIKE RESTAURANTS! There is no odor and no harmful chemicals to emit into other people's air space so no one is bitching at me about it...no gov't regulators telling me where I can and can't do it (although the powers that be have banned it from my workplace, but WTH ever).
If you have tried to quit, want to quit or cut down, I highly (did you hear that? HIGHLY ) recommend you give e-cigs a try. You get your nicotine.....no tar, no carbon monoxide.....just the nicotine that your body is craving. Varying levels of nicotine so you can reduce the level of intake GRADUALLY while still getting the oral fixation you need (that covers the habit part). I love these.....hope to be analog free within a couple weeks....wish me luck!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
FALL
Tomorrow it is October....my least favorite month. It finally occurred to me this morning why I have been talking to Jeremy a lot more lately. It is anniversary time. Leaves are turning as they were three years ago....the nip in the air is there....and it all serves as reminders to how long my baby has been gone.
I think this hits me so hard because when he became ill is when I started mourning the loss of my son. I didn't have to mourn as much after he died because, to me, he was gone in October, not April. The son that I had known for twenty years was no longer there. The smart-aleck, sarcastic, funny, quick witted, stubborn young man I had raised was no longer there. He had been replaced by a young man fighting for his life and struggling to do everyday things. Even talking was a chore for him.
We celebrated little victories over the next few months....taking 5 steps, then ten, then twenty (with a walker)...taking a shower on his own (with a seat in the tub), using the bathroom without calling for help (the bathroom door is not wide enough to accommodate a wheelchair). These victories were relished! They were also excuses to get out and make time for as much fun as he could deal with at the time.
His dad would take him for rides on the motorcycle (scared me to death when I found out) and go to the park, or to get a latte. I am so glad they had that time together.
I just want to say that none of the "celebrations" would have been possible without the help of the Ryan White Foundation in Las Vegas. They made sure that Jeremy's dad knew where to go to get any help that they could not provide (like a narrower wheelchair to get in the bathroom). They also provided him with vouchers for some medical needs that are not covered by insurance and get very expensive, like things to make the house a little more accessible, safety rails for the tub, Depends...they even gave them gift cards to Starbucks so they could have a "get out moment" together. Those things meant a lot to Jeremy's dad, Jeremy, and to me.
Thank you to everyone who works or volunteer at the Ryan White Foundation in Las Vegas for making my son's last few months a little easier and more enjoyable.
I think this hits me so hard because when he became ill is when I started mourning the loss of my son. I didn't have to mourn as much after he died because, to me, he was gone in October, not April. The son that I had known for twenty years was no longer there. The smart-aleck, sarcastic, funny, quick witted, stubborn young man I had raised was no longer there. He had been replaced by a young man fighting for his life and struggling to do everyday things. Even talking was a chore for him.
We celebrated little victories over the next few months....taking 5 steps, then ten, then twenty (with a walker)...taking a shower on his own (with a seat in the tub), using the bathroom without calling for help (the bathroom door is not wide enough to accommodate a wheelchair). These victories were relished! They were also excuses to get out and make time for as much fun as he could deal with at the time.
His dad would take him for rides on the motorcycle (scared me to death when I found out) and go to the park, or to get a latte. I am so glad they had that time together.
I just want to say that none of the "celebrations" would have been possible without the help of the Ryan White Foundation in Las Vegas. They made sure that Jeremy's dad knew where to go to get any help that they could not provide (like a narrower wheelchair to get in the bathroom). They also provided him with vouchers for some medical needs that are not covered by insurance and get very expensive, like things to make the house a little more accessible, safety rails for the tub, Depends...they even gave them gift cards to Starbucks so they could have a "get out moment" together. Those things meant a lot to Jeremy's dad, Jeremy, and to me.
Thank you to everyone who works or volunteer at the Ryan White Foundation in Las Vegas for making my son's last few months a little easier and more enjoyable.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
23 today
Today is Mother's Day. It is also Jeremy's 23rd birthday. We went out this morning and got him one "Happy Birthday" balloon and 4 green star balloons. We let them go at the baseball field at the college and then sat in the grass and watched them till they floated into the sun. Jeremy snatched them to Heaven at that point...we never saw them again.
I cried. Jamey was supportive. I cried some more. It makes me feel good to cry about my sadness over losing Jeremy. That way I know that I am not pushing thoughts away or burying them so deep that I can't get them back again. I miss Jeremy very much, but I don't let those feelings rule my life. Sometimes I worry that I am not sad enough, that I don't cry enough, or dwell on his death enough. Then it occurs to me...that is what people do that cannot let go. I can let Jeremy go; I know he is Heaven and he is happier and healthier than he was here. I know that I will see him again.
It is hard though, hearing people talk about what they are doing with their kids on Mother's Day. My neighbor announced that her son (25) is taking her on a date to the movies. I just thought to myself, "Relish it, I'd give my eye teeth to sit in a movie theater with my son." I didn't say it though.
Happy Birthday Buddy...I love you!
I cried. Jamey was supportive. I cried some more. It makes me feel good to cry about my sadness over losing Jeremy. That way I know that I am not pushing thoughts away or burying them so deep that I can't get them back again. I miss Jeremy very much, but I don't let those feelings rule my life. Sometimes I worry that I am not sad enough, that I don't cry enough, or dwell on his death enough. Then it occurs to me...that is what people do that cannot let go. I can let Jeremy go; I know he is Heaven and he is happier and healthier than he was here. I know that I will see him again.
It is hard though, hearing people talk about what they are doing with their kids on Mother's Day. My neighbor announced that her son (25) is taking her on a date to the movies. I just thought to myself, "Relish it, I'd give my eye teeth to sit in a movie theater with my son." I didn't say it though.
Happy Birthday Buddy...I love you!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Lost
As my career in academia comes close to an end, I am beginning to question my inner strength. I have held myself together through many things in the past couple of years...a major relocation, death of my son, loss of a job, and returning to college after a 27 year hiatus. I have not, through any of that, felt as overwhelmed as I do in this, my final quarter of school.
I am, for the first time since returning, being very challenged in school. I am in higher level computer application classes along with a higher level (and quite boring) accounting class. These things, combined with two part-time jobs, are starting to wear on my confidence a bit. I feel like my brain is fried most days after classes. I come home and intend to study, but just can't bring myself to do it. I have set the bar very high for myself throughout school. My CGPA is 4.0 and I am very hard on myself if I feel that is in jeopardy. This quarter it is VERY in jeopardy! I just don't feel like any of it is soaking in. The day after we cover something in class I have lost it. I have no idea how to write a formula for Excel, I have no idea how to compute the proper payroll tax for anyone, I have no idea what accounts are affected by a transaction that is taking place....LOST! This is the first time I can say "I feel like I am being left behind."
Am I the only one feeling this way? No. Others are expressing the same "lost" feeling.
I know I will make it through the quarter. I know I will pass and get my certificate. Will I have a 4.0 when I am done? Who knows. Does it really matter in the scheme of things? Only to me.
I am, for the first time since returning, being very challenged in school. I am in higher level computer application classes along with a higher level (and quite boring) accounting class. These things, combined with two part-time jobs, are starting to wear on my confidence a bit. I feel like my brain is fried most days after classes. I come home and intend to study, but just can't bring myself to do it. I have set the bar very high for myself throughout school. My CGPA is 4.0 and I am very hard on myself if I feel that is in jeopardy. This quarter it is VERY in jeopardy! I just don't feel like any of it is soaking in. The day after we cover something in class I have lost it. I have no idea how to write a formula for Excel, I have no idea how to compute the proper payroll tax for anyone, I have no idea what accounts are affected by a transaction that is taking place....LOST! This is the first time I can say "I feel like I am being left behind."
Am I the only one feeling this way? No. Others are expressing the same "lost" feeling.
I know I will make it through the quarter. I know I will pass and get my certificate. Will I have a 4.0 when I am done? Who knows. Does it really matter in the scheme of things? Only to me.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Breakdown
Well, it finally happened. I had the "breakdown day" I have felt coming for some time.
Everything I saw or heard or thought of sent my thoughts to how much I miss Jeremy. It is not only his death that I thought about though. It was how long it has been since I celebrated Christmas with my family.
I had Christmas with Jeremy last in 2006. Haven't had Christmas with my mom or brother since about 1997, and my dad since 1993? I always believed children should be at home on Christmas morning. Now that I don't have that "restriction," the weather plays a key factor in my winter travels, making it hard to plan anything in the PNW.
I would give anything to be with my family at Christmas. It just can't be done.......not this year at least. Jamey is working today and everyone has their plans set. Maybe next year.....
Everything I saw or heard or thought of sent my thoughts to how much I miss Jeremy. It is not only his death that I thought about though. It was how long it has been since I celebrated Christmas with my family.
I had Christmas with Jeremy last in 2006. Haven't had Christmas with my mom or brother since about 1997, and my dad since 1993? I always believed children should be at home on Christmas morning. Now that I don't have that "restriction," the weather plays a key factor in my winter travels, making it hard to plan anything in the PNW.
I would give anything to be with my family at Christmas. It just can't be done.......not this year at least. Jamey is working today and everyone has their plans set. Maybe next year.....
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